the little witch, 1

This is a story about a little witch.

As I wrote about before in "little me", I don't know much about my ancestors. Recently seeing picture of relatives, and even of myself for the first time has sprung something wide open. I have been thinking about how this is probably why I love and covet things that are old. I gather other people's history, and make it mine by placing it in my home. I gather, I collect. Not on a broad scale, but I do love old objects. They make me feel connected to a history. Last year I started to collect old photos of priests and Nuns. You will see how that ties in further on. But now, I have some provenance, even if it is in a two notes, and some scanned photos.

As I wrote in "little me" connections with my Father's side of the family was pretty well wiped out after my parents divorce, (thank god they divorced, or more like myself and my four siblings were abandoned by my Father.) The passing of my Grandfather sealed it. His wife, my grandmother died when I was young. I have only distant glimpes to that side. I do know that my paternal Grandfather was a Minister. I remember being baptized by him. I remember looking down at a crisp white envelope I was holding in my hand and wondering what he gave me. I guess that might have been my baptism certificate, something I never saw again. My Grandfather was a Preacher man. My Grandmother was a Preacher's wife, she was also a Mother and an Artist.


On my Mother's side there has been an even more severe cut off to the past. It is rumored in my family, that my Maternal Grandmother was the child of a Catholic Priest and Nun. She was raised by her "Aunts" who were her Mother's sisters. They were Scottish, from the McGraths that came here to America. I don't have any history, as it was always vague. Were they my real Aunts? Everyone thinks so. Luckily, my Grandmother was a huge part of my life. She was the coolest Grandma ever. She drove her cherished Chevy Camaro even at age 80. She loved listening to police radios, square dancing, and she was certified in nautical navigation and in ham radio communications.  I remember her loving the Micheal Jackson tape I brought and played at her Summer house. She said it had a real good beat, and really got into it. She smoked ciggarettes, but said she didn't inhale (way before Clinton said that) Her name was Marie, no middle name. Just Marie. I remember when her Siamese cat had kittens in my bed. We we were sharing a room while she lived with us for awhile. I raced across the state in the middle of the night when I got a call that she had fell ill and was dying. I didn't make it in time to the hospital to say good -bye, but I did sit there with her lifeless body, smiling at her spirit. I loved her, and was very close to her. My Paternal Grandfather, died when I was very young. Not much was spoken about him. He was not a nice man. Perhaps someday, I will find out the heritage there. But his surviving daughters, my Mother and my Aunt, do not speak of him. I know why. My Mother remarried a man, my Stepfather, who is also a son of a Preacher. Interesting. The patterns.


So, I am the Granddaughter of two Preachers, and a Great Granddaughter of both a Priest and a Nun. This is sort of connected to my last blog entry "real live witches!" This begins my story of how I became to know who I was, under all of the fear, shame and pain. I hit bottom, and picked myself back up. I slowly began to realize my path, and it saved my life. When I say saved my life, I mean it. When a young girl is sexually, physically and emotionally abused by the very person who is supposed to be there to protect her, a part of her spirit gets broken forever. It also sets her up for more abuse. It is what she knows. It is the familiar.

This is the account about how I picked up all of the pieces, landing on my two feet, reaching my hands up to the sky, and breathing in all that was meant to be.Writing all of this out will be a challenge for me, but I am up to it.  I will have to do this in small parts, so this is the start. The story of how I found that I had something holy pulsing through my veins.I inherited a certain something, that can't be fully explained, but I will do my best to express my truth to you, if you want to listen. Events that happened before I even knew about these ancestors.

What made you, you?

the preacher's wife

the lost art

~crow

real live witches!

My headache is gone... Spooky time.

Also, I will no longer post my blog on my personal Facebook page. I am made a new page on Facebook. You can still get notifications if you like the page Crow. The like button is in the column to the right ---->

You know people usually think that modern day witches (Wiccans, Pagans, Herbalist etc) are like these goth like angry people, who worship Satan, and do not believe in God. (I had my own preconceived thoughts long ago) I have to tell you, that modern day witches are just everyday normal people, your neighbors, artists, lawyers, engineers, nurses (lots of nurses), waitresses, event planners, farmers, accountants, and scientists. Some even worship right beside you, yet have their own special set of believes known to them. For example there are Christowitches, Jewitches, Neo-Pagans and the like. Many Native American group's practices fall into very similar beliefs. Many indigenous people faiths or belief systems fall under the Pagan umbrella of religion. Actually, the Catholic faith has many similarities to Wicca on the surface. The incense burning, the many saints they pray to, the rituals in worship, the altars, and so on. But Wiccans usually do not symbolize the ingesting Christ's blood and body in bread and wine. Most have Cakes and Ale, in worship or workings, or in celebration for other reasons. I have attended many a Mass. I was never Catholic, and was not allowed to participate in Communion, but was welcomed to be blessed by the priest, and I took him up on that on a few occasions. Who doesn't want a Blessing? Anyway, just as an example of how much we are the same.

Way off topic, but my point is, we are not weirdos. We are regular people who you interact with everyday. We are kind, giving and open. We follow sometimes even more of a strenuous morality, as we do not follow a typical Dogma or have everything set out and taught to us every Sunday. We are  responsible for our every action, every word, and every thought. Not in a guilt ridden way, but in a open loving way.

Witches heal (the earth, people, animals and minerals) and Witches have been taught how to do divination. Some are hereditary, where all of this comes natural. More on that from a personal prospective.

But most of all, Pagans accept that there are many paths to the Divine, and respect that.

Gosh, I am long winded. Even when I am trying to be brief. I really need to take on students this year. Yes I teach. :-O Maybe I should do an online course. Oh and I don't charge money and I don't Proselytize. (Proselytizing is the act of attempting to convert people to another opinion and, particularly another religion.) Wiccans don't do that, neither do I. We offer our services, because that is what we do. We are healers.

Here is a nice reading I found from: Witches Rising. See if you can find any similar traditions that you might follow.

BLESSED SAMHAIN!
Halloween/All Hallow’s Eve, All Saints Day/Hallowmas, All Souls' Day, Dia De Los Muertos, Diwali, Samhain (sow-en)—must be the season of the witch! This high Sabbat (November 5 in the Northern Hemisphere) began as a traditional Celtic festival marking the end of Summer (light half of the year) and the beginning of Winter (dark half of the year). It is a time out of time, when the veil between the worlds is thin. It is the most magical time of year, when powerful divination is imminent and the dead return to walk among us. It is a time of remembrance, of letting go, and of new beginnings. Here, the wheel of the year ends but the cycle continues...

Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.
- Edgar Allan Poe

RITUALS
• Set up an Ofrenda (family offering altar): Honor and commune with your ancestors during this Festival of the Dead. Gather relics (personal items like jewelry or prayer cards) and photos in remembrance of the departed for your altar. Add candles, flowers, and food offerings to welcome them. Play music that they liked, tell their stories, and share what you learned from them. What is remembered lives!
• Create a magic wand or besom (witch’s broom): Samhain is the most auspicious time to harvest and adorn magical tools. Wands are traditionally made from Oak, Holy, Elm, Walnut, or Willow trees. When you find a branch that speaks to you, take a moment to leave the tree an offering (libations of fertilized water work well) and thank it (they love hugs!). These days, besoms are readily available in most craft stores but they are also fairly easy to make out of Oak, Ash, Willow, Birch or even your favorite herbs (http://craftychickscuppacoffee.blogspot.com/2009/10/crafty-witch-files-how-to-make-besom.html). Both wands and besoms can be adorned with whatever materials you wish. Just be sure to cleanse and smudge all of your materials, focus your energy with good intentions during construction, and consecrate them to your purpose.
• Welcome the Switchy Witch: Have you heard of the Switchy Witch? Not many people have, so you're really lucky! She's a very good witch, you see, and she visits children (and adults who believe) every year on Halloween night. To welcome her, leave a piece of candy on your doorstep or windowsill. Then, leave a cauldron (basket, bowl, or plastic pumpkin works too) with all of your leftover candy on your hearth before bed. Yes, you can keep some, but don't be greedy because she gives all the collected candy to the children who weren't able to trick or treat themselves. In return for your offerings, she leaves you wonderful presents like magic gems and stones, bottles of fairy dust and dandelion wishes, books full of wisdom, sparkly stickers, and magical toys!

• Make corn dolls: Traditional corn dolls or dollies represent the Goddess/God of the harvest. Kept on the hearth or altar throughout winter, they are thought to keep the spirit of the corn (the essence of fertility) safe until it is ploughed back into the Earth in spring. They are easy and fun to make for people of all ages, so get creative! You can even make angel/fairy wings by tying two husks in an X shape onto the back of your finished doll at the waist, then shaping the ends with scissors. http://www.cdm.org/p/viewPage.asp?mlid=30&cid=2&sid=5&aid=90
• Share the harvest: Donate new or unwanted non-perishable items to your local food bank. Having a party? Ask people to bring an item with them, then take a few moments together to bless them with good wishes for the recipient. Find a food bank near you (http://gfn.convio.net/site/PageServer?pagename=foodbanking_find)

THE FEAST OF THE DEAD
Now is the final harvest before darkness reigns and the Earth slumbers. Savor the rich fruits of Fall, use a variety of fresh vegetables and squashes to make a hearty soup, and fill your home with the fragrance of freshly baked breads and pies. Be sure to place an extra setting at the table to welcome loved ones who have gone before and bury an apple or pomegranate in the garden to nourish those spirits who are just passing by.
• Fruits: Apples, pomegranates, grapes, pears
• Nuts and seeds: Acorns, walnuts, pecans, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds
• Vegetables: All varieties of pumpkins and squash, Indian corn, carrots, mushrooms
• Breads and Grains: Cornbread, carrot bread/cake, apple bread, wheat
• Beverages: Hard cider, ale, mead, wine

FLOWERS & HERBS
Fall flowers warm us with shades of gold, yellow, orange, and crimson, but it doesn’t really feel right until you decorate with some traditional reminders of the season like oak and maple leaves, pumpkins, gourds, cinnamon sticks, and pinecones. Appeal to all your senses by creating your own blend of magical fragrances that include deep musks and rich spices to awaken our collective memory.
• Chrysanthemum: Joy, love, protection
• Marigold: Longevity, prophecy, confidence
• Aster: Faithfulness, patience, wisdom
• Dahlia: Transition, dignity, self-worth
• Moonflower: Awareness, vibrancy, spontaneity, flight
• Sage: Protection, immortality, wisdom
• Mugwort: Divination, clairvoyance/scrying, astral travel
• Rosemary: Remembrance, purification, concentration
• Allspice: Healing, luck, money
• Cinnamon: Channeling, psychic power, spirituality
• Nutmeg: Energy, awareness/intention, love
• Cloves: Attraction, love, protection
• Patchouli: Love, fertility, passion

PLAYLIST
• We Are the Flow, Lindie Lila: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMFMH3vmdfs
• Bones, Flight of the Hawk: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3-QyVXL_sc
• Witchcraft, Frank Sinatra: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nB_wy_jSCHA
• Magic, Doris Day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEx_RdHoGsk&feature=related
• Magic, Pilot: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4iiryJwvDtc
• Season of the Witch, Julie Driscoll: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpizS9h-1Xk
• Dead Man's Party, Oingo Boingo: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iypUpv9xelg

Note: Learn exactly when all Cross Quarter, Solstice, and Equinox times are in your area: http://www.archaeoastronomy.com/myclock.shtml

Enjoy the season...

~crow

little me

Today my brother posted a photo on my facebook page, it was from another page that was created for descendants of our paternal grandparents. I have been cut off from this side of my heritage, because of a divorce, and the abuse that we all endured, at the hands of my Father. One of my siblings tried to reach out to this side, however it ended when the abuse was brought up. My Father's sister did not believe us. Why would she? She doesn't even know us. But we had no pictures, no connection, nothing. That side of the family continued living on without us.

I have severe memory issues. I am sure it was my mind protecting my soul, but what I do remember is enough. More than enough. I have shoved it back into the dark corner, brought it back out. I have been angry at it, sad about it, confused, and most importantly I have been enlightened by it. But I am always surprised to be reminded that we are forever healing from the wounds we carry.

I went through this facebook page reading and searching for the people who share my blood. Aunts and Uncles and cousins, grandparents... With each photo a dim light way off in the corner would flicker, and I would think, Oh yes, that is my Aunt... I remember applesauce making in her kitchen, and how she cut the apple open from side to side, to reveal the five pointed star...

I read to my 11 year old daughter, a a couple of writings that were posted by my Grandmother. It was about where her ancestors came from. I finally had a history suitable to share with an 11 year old. As I read out loud about my great grandfather, and how he came to America from Sweden, my daughter shouted out, We are SWEDISH?" Yes, we are, just a part. Then we talked about how her great, great Grandfather lived and worked near the place and around the same time as Laura Ingalls Wilder. She had done a book report about her, so it really gave her a sense of life back then and a connection for her. She immediately asked me if she could meet one of my Aunts particularly by name. I am not sure why she picked this one name, but she did. I took a deep breath, and thought about how this was the very Aunt who disbelieved us.

I also read another writing that my Grandmother wrote. She died when I was about 7. So reading her words were like her speaking to me. She was an artist, and extremely spiritual lady, and for awhile she kept chickens and pigs. She talked about one experience in her life, her tone changed into something recognizable to me. I could tell she had this beauty in her, no matter what her son grew up to be, I was gifted with these words...

"... I’ll never forget that first evening. We were very tired, so we went to bed early. All was very quiet when through the open French windows drifted the sweetest music from a distant hillside – the song of the whip-poor-will. I’ll cherish that memory always. Another time in midsummer, nightfall was just settling down on Altona. The children and I were sitting on the soft velvet carpet in the yard. The horizon was a beautiful deep night shade. In the sky was a soft violet evening star, and the moon was clear in the sky. The tall elm beside the entry of the yard was tall and dark against the sky. Then from a distant hillside drifted the same beautiful call of the whip-poor-will. An enchanting evening it was – just one of many others through eleven wonderful years."


After, I read this, I felt a head ache coming on (weird for me) so went outside for some air and to help Rusty chop up the day's cast off vegetables from the market.  Rusty stops chopping and says, what is that? I stop and listen thinking it is probably the coyotes. He says, "I thought it was maybe a baby goat sound, but it was just a whippoorwill."

Seriously.


I stood staring into the night. I barely heard it. My head was raging so I came in and drank some water and took a couple of Ibuprofen and a Naproxan. I will talk more and share more, once this headache goes away. I just had to get some of this out. Perhaps it will help my head.

Here is little me, a picture I have never seen before tonight. I am in the red, white and blue bathing suit with four of my brothers and sisters, doing peace signs. One of my Aunts in the pink is smiling at us.

peace

~crow

blockages

Hello beautiful ones. I have been wanting to make a blog entry, but I am having a little blockage it seems.

Not your normal writers block, just a block of exhaustion at the end of the day. It is hard to think, to write, to do anything really, but veg out a little, then sleep.

I have been working quite a bit with my rabbits. First, I adopted a rabbit who's owners said the "newness and fun" of owning a rabbit had faded for their son. It is a white rabbit with one ear that sticks straight up, and the other ear flops. The rabbit was eating cow grains when I went to pick it up. It is now on a special diet, just like the rest of my rabbits. I do a mix of premium rabbit pellets, black sunflower seed, calf manna, sweet feed, and oats, followed with plenty of water and second cut hay.

I cleaned the rabbitry/chick nursery out, top to bottom, and got it ready for another rabbit, an English Angora buck named Amazing, but with Amazing came an unexpected intake of three flemish giant rabbits. Yes, they are giant. Big bunnies, two does and one buck It seems they were housed together, so I should be expecting two giant litters, I don't know when, because I am not sure how far back these three were exposed to each other. So for now, they are hopping around their new digs. Meanwhile, Tahoe, my Blue English Angora doe is expected to kindle on the 25th, and that is today. So I may be knee deep in babies. Baby rabbits are called kittens, but breeders call them kits. So knee deep in kits. But who knows? I learned to not count my chickens before they hatch, and I will continue on thinking the same of most things in life. Wait it out and see what happens.

I have decided to move my rabbitry to the house up the hill. A cute two bedroom, that was converted from the barn to a house long ago, and now, at least for this coming winter, it will house animals again. Nothing like that show Animal Horders!  I saw an episode on Animal Horders where this lady had so many rabbits they were living in her walls, cupboards, mattresses, you name it. Sad show really, for the animals, and for the people. I will have a clean efficient, little rabbit operation, cover the floor in vinyl and to make a nice comfortable place to house and care for the rabbits, with room indoors to exercise them as well. My new hideout. ;-)

 A TN Faiting Goat named Blue Clay  is being delivered on November 5th. He is sharing a ride with a small animal transporter, and other goats. Seems there is another Wild and Wonderful Woman with very similar interest that lives North of me. She will drive down, and we all will rendezvous nearby and do the swap. Blue Clay is a blue buck. He will be penned together with my Pancho, as both of them have had their first rut. So, they will have each other until I need their services. Pancho is such a sweetheart, I hope Clay is just as sweet.

After that, Winter. Making it through the snow but most of all dealing with frozen water containers. Winter makes everything a little more difficult on a farm. Mountain terrain is not the easiest to navigate, by vehicle, or by foot.

My truck is up for sale. My cool ass old Dodge truck. I am a tad bummed, but I do now have a used Jeep Cherokee to wheel around with. Four wheel drive, and interior room for like people and stuff. I will miss rumbling down the road in my old truck.

Oh and I now have seven baby chicks too. After the chicks turned 2 weeks, I brought my chicken tractor upstairs in the barn lined with pine chip bedding and dropped a brooder light over head. They are happy growing chickies. I am growing them over the winter, so by Spring, they will be ready to lay. Also my Tetra tint went broody! She now has a clutch of 8 eggs. Some of my chickens, might not make it through the whole winter or will begin to slow on egg production. I have some older girls. They have shelter and warmth, but sometimes the extra stress factor of being confined, or going out in the cold, can contribute to loss. I am a little more seasoned as a Farmer-girl now and a little more of a realist.

I will leave you with pictures of two of the giant rabbits having a bite to eat in the barn the first night they arrived-

Until later... ~crow

neither here nor there

WV Fall 2011

 Today as I was driving my old blue Dodge truck through the winding mountain roads lined with brightly painted Fall foliage. I drove with my windows down inhaling the crisp air. I got a sense that there was something calling to my soul place. I think my two dogs felt it too, as both of them had their heads completely out the window, noses to the air. eyes squinted, ears flapping.

It calls me in quiet ways, just underneath my awareness as I looked up at the mountains covered in color. It is both distant and familiar and sprinkled with a touch of melancholy. I suddenly get the urge for some fresh apple cider, and candy corn. Funny how seasons can bring you places. All at once it just creeps up, and there you are... little, in a big pile of leaves, stuffing your scarecrow.

There is something else manifesting that is not so quiet. It feels more like a roar, a howl or a bray, or some sound that calls out with great passion, right past me, right to the ancestors and back again. Something that gives me the goosebumps which touches closer to my awareness now today as a woman here in the WV mountains. Fall, is the time for me to say good-bye to the carefree warmth of Summer days, feet in the green grass and picking fruit time. Instead, I now am bringing in the last harvest, preparing for the cold.

I watch the leaves blow by me as my mind is suddenly looking ahead to the Winter.

It is the in-between time. The end of the growing cycle and the beginning of the dark times. Taking the cue from nature, it is also the place on wheel of the year when the veil between life and death is thin. When people honor loved ones who have past. When the living and and the dead meet. Some call it Halloween, All Hallows Day, Samhain, and The Day of the Dead. Although some of these celebrations may seem bizarre in American culture, It is quite normal in others. I tend to be open to others. I will set a place for my deceased grandmother and leave her a few offerings. I woulds like to think her spirit might smile, where ever it is. If you ever want to speak to a loved one who has transitioned, in the coming weeks, will be the best time of the year. Perhaps you will see a "sign" and that will allow you to say a few words, ignoring for a minute what you believe about death and the afterlife.

I can feel it coming. Hibernation, and a quieter time, conserving energy and reflecting inward seeking a heightened sense of knowing, then finding it easier to connect to the all.

In other words... it is Spooky time people! ;-)

a pretty maple tree on my property

looking up

Enjoy your Fall, or if your are reading this from Down Under, I wish you a Happy Springtime.

wild, wonderful, woman ~crow
Press the arrow to hear my very good friend singer songwriter, Casi Null part of the Clementines. I love their rendition of this song. West Virginia, Oh my home.

West Virginia Oh My Home

meatless monday

I have pondered the idea of going vegetarian, as we harvested our dear pig Sling Blade, as well as some chickens. We grow our own food so we know our food comes from happy and healthy animals, who are not raised in cramped quarters being fed growth hormones and antibiotics. I am not sure my family and I could not eat meat, but I am sure we could go vegetarian once a week.

I stumbled across this article today in the Huff Post Green.  I now declare that I will subscribe to a Meatless Monday and talk my family into joining me. We can be part time vegetarians, and if we encourage others to join this movement, just imagine the positive impact on ourselves and others.

How?

Becoming vegetarian (even part time) can lead to better health practices. From obesity and cancer to heart disease and diabetes, eating more vegetables and consuming less meat is a huge step towards health and well being. When your Mother told you to "eat your vegetables" she was helping you to be  healthy. Listen to your Mother!

Another aspect of Meatless Monday is also for better health for the environment. Industrial meat production uses large amounts of grain, water and fossil fuel.  I was very surprised to find that a 400-page United Nations report from the Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO) states that the livestock sector is "responsible for 18% of greenhouse gas emissions "The production of cattle to feed and clothe humans stresses ecosystems around the world, and is assessed to be one of the top three environmental problems in the world on a local to global scale." Most of us do not even think that our food, is contributing to our environment.

Imagine that.

Join me and others as we participate in Meatless Monday Check out there website and "like" them on their Meatless Monday Facebook page.

real or fake?

I was accused of being a fake, from somebody close to me. (Not a reader) I had to stop and ponder that for awhile. Because when somebody you love says something to you, perhaps they are saying it with the best intentions and want to help.

I am fake?

The first thing that pops in my head is that it can't mean appearance wise. I wear no make-up, hair up in a pony tail and the last time I bought something new to wear, was for a funeral. I don't get my nails done, feet done, anything done. I decided to stop using dye for my hair. My grays are soft and pretty and I hate the idea of using extra chemicals and being consumed with consuming, in general. Nothing fake there.

My butt, is real... no implants... I know right?

Next, I look at my surroundings. I live in a humble, farmhouse that is screaming to be remodeled, and I am, doing that a little at a time. But, I have a roof over my head, and I am thankful. I am on the eclectic side, but definitely plain-ish. I have some old treasures I have accumulated, but all has been thrift store buys, except for the couch. Bought a new couch a year ago.

My lifestyle: I call myself a farmer now. I know I am not a giant farmer, or even a great one, but I do grow my own food, raise animals, and do my best to find new ways to make my small farm work. I don't hire anybody, and I do most of it by myself. I am not a diva, not spoiled, not rich, not popular, not famous, not glamorous. I am just a Mom Monk, living her life out.

What could she mean? Fake. How was she trying to help me? How can I allow her to help me?

Here are some things I believe to be true. I am compassionate, non judgmental, and giving, but I also have boundaries. Boundaries, are good, and very helpful to some people who abuse your good will. I am both honest and forthcoming. If I have any concerns, you will be the first person I discuss it with. I am also extremely self aware and I am great at self regulating as I near 50. I often look for the higher meaning, the bird's eye view, the cup half full approach. I do "fake it 'till I make it". That is only when I can, and that has more to do about visualization, and the power of positive thinking, (aka magic), than it does being an imposter. This doesn't mean that I do not have my own set of fears, sorrows and regrets. I am perfectly imperfect. I accept this, and there is no more struggle when you can accept the things you cannot change. When I say something, I mean it. I not about fluff, I am about substance. I make no claims to be right. I can only speak of my truth. I have seen the worst, lived through it, dealt with it, and I will always have that little bit of darkness that I carry. I can't ignore it, and I can't erase it, but I can find peace beyond working through it. And right now, my life is not perfect, or is it?  I am doing the best I can with what I have and that is good enough, in fact it is great.

But to her, I am fake. I think fake is being used as a noun as it applies to me:

noun

9.

anything made to appear otherwise than it actually is; counterfeit: This diamond necklace is a fake.

10.

a person who fakes; faker: The doctor with the reputed cure for cancer proved to be a fake.

11.

a spurious report or story.

12.

Sports . a simulated play or move intended to deceive an opponent.

I keep going back to this comment she made. She has said it several times to me. "You are a fake." In the context of a conversation when she was sounding almost angry at me for simply being happy. Why on earth would someone who loves you, becomes angry for your ordinary happiness?

I can only refer myself to the FOUR AGREEMENTS.

What she said to me was more about her, than me. I will never be able to understand all the nuts and bolts of that. I can keep banging my head against a wall, or I can keep going back to what I hold to be true.

This blog is not about you. It is about me. What I say comes from my own experiences. It is my take. I take full responsibility for all words coming out of my mouth. 10 people can see an accident, but when asked, there will be ten different stories. Some might be close, but it was seen by 10 different sets of eyes. Some will say the car came from that direction, the other might say. no, it came from this direction. Both people seeing the same incident, but standing on different sides of the road.

I know some people that are having a really, really tough time, for very real reasons. My heart aches for them. I might not know it exactly how it is, but from my own experiences, I can relate. I also know that for every heart break out there, there is always something worse. It doesn't take it away, but it gives the person who experiences the very darkest hours, to be able to relate to others. There will be someone who may need your precious point of view one day. At least know,while you are in the dark, that there is such thing as light. To believe in the light, know it will come back, some way, some day. Your tragedy is a part of you and now, you are wiser. You are that much more aware and you can be a more seasoned individual because of it and somebody who is then capable to reach out to another. You can't save those who do not want to be saved, but you can be an inspiration, by living life by your own truth. Be true to yourself.

It is ok I am a fake to one person in this world? Maybe even two or three people, who knows? What on earth can I do about it? Nothing.

I wrote this to get it off my chest. To expose that bit of darkness to light. Why? because I saw somebody else brave enough to do it. She has been laying it all out there. I know she feels like the readers are being burdened by her troubles, but it is the reverse. Her realness, inspires others to reflect, and touch that place where the real lives and breathes. It is a reminder that it is ok to be vulnerable, and sad. To be confused, or misunderstood. It's ok. Her story, mirrors mine, more than she even knows.

We are more the same than we are different. <---That is about you. If you allow it to be.

Thanks for listening to me think out loud.  I wrote myself right through to a solution. I am grateful for the lesson that will keep coming to me in different forms until I learn it for good.
~crow