fires

More on who I am. I often reflect about how I used to label myself an activist. I would say it with pride and a sense of self righteousness. I was going to be the one who would save the children. Save then from adults who prey on them, save them from the abuse that happens so often, it is hard to fathom. Even though I know it as my own truth. I was in contact with groups all over the country. I wrote the President, more than once. I moderated a group, I volunteered, I read and researched, ran public awareness campaigns, and I worked in the field. I was a child advocate. I told anybody who happen to ask what I did. That is quite a title if you think about it. Activist. I went from nothingness to activist to nothingness to everything.

See I was angry. I was angry for what happened to me, I was angry at the judicial system, I was angry at the scum bag perps. I was pissed off and I HAD to act of that. Like a mother lion protecting her young. I bared my teeth at the world. I did great work. I helped a whole lot of children, and I helped a whole lot of adult survivors.

It was never enough. I kept flailing my gentle spirit against a brick wall. Over an over until I couldn't get up anymore. When this happened, I came to a stark realization. Somehow, I had lost myself somewhere being a heroine and a warrior. Neither of those were representative of my true nature. My true nature works best when I am in line with my higher self. I forgive, I am an eternal optimist. I am a peaceful creature. I was born on the year of the rabbit. Ok?

It was art that showed me my path. It was the paintbrush in my hand that made me believe in a power higher than myself. God was painting through me. I say the name God, because that is the word that most people will understand. But God has many names to me. But this post is not about religion. Perhaps I will get into that later. What I am talking about in this post is how I found the turn-off switch to all of that rage. I was doing great things, but it was killing me. I found my way out by art, With each painting I scraped off the layers of gunk that had me entrapped.

It is from my own perspective, that I look at other Activist. Fist in the air. Demanding justice. Consumed in their quest. I am not talking about encouraging people to recycle or talking about issues. I am talking about people who are in the battlefield daily, hourly even. They have followers applauding their efforts, giving them the thumbs up while they flail themselves into walls in the name of Activism. Animal Rescue, Woman's Rights, Gay Rights, Coal mining, Religious Rights, Global Warming, Politics, Earth Day, Peace, War. I know there is passion, but I wonder if they too have unresolved issues in their lives that they are acting on without being conscious of what fuels their fire. Fire needs fuel to feed it. I wonder what that fuel is for other Activists. I see some people become what appear they become martyrs for their cause. They loose themselves in a desperate act to SAVE the ____. They complain how tired they are, how unhappy they are, how their life sucks in the name of being a hero. Is there an empty spot in the emotional well being that needs to be filled? A primal fight or flight response? But the fight trigger gets stuck?

This is what I wonder.I am not judging here. I am only reflecting on my own experience. I am talking about being mindful. In order to be mindful you have to be honest with yourself. Check in and ask, why do I choose to do this, think this, act on this? Denial is very cunning. If it hits home too much you get louder in your justifications, and simply writeoff anybody who is not on you level and on your clock. Calling them names, and finding fault with them for not getting "it".Assuming they are not as enlightened or informed as you.

I can say I was guilty of all of that and I still am from time to time. Like tonight, I lost a little chick, was feeling a bit off, and I took it out on the Republicans!. See my facebook. It is funny. I gave them a stern warning. As if they would change from it. Who are "they" anyway? Saying "they" puts them all the same. It is a form of demonizing. I am sure they are not all robots. I mean there has to be some good republicans out there right? (kidding) My baggage with Republicans, the ex-husband. I used to be one, until I got as far away from that situation as possible.

But come, on... You have to lessen all that baggage, so when you do go forth and promote good things you know it comes from a place that doesn't have cobwebs. You have to stay open to all points of view. People assume way too much and are way to quick to judge. A fight to be RIGHT. Again, I am talking from my own experience. I catch myself doing it all the time. A benefit of being older. It is not a terrible deal, but it is something that will, without you knowing turn you bitter. You can be smiling and sweet and still have some bitterness simmering inside. Find it and take it out and have a look at it. If you do, love yourself during the whole process. Forgive yourself, see your own humanness and forgive others to for theirs

I could be completely wrong on all counts. This is only an exercise for me in truth. A fire drill.

So, do I just give up on being an Activist because I know, or think I know where it comes from. Maybe. It was not healthy for ME. It did not match up when I became quiet and listened. What happened was this; I decided that the best way I can help the world, is to be my authentic self. I am a peaceful person. I like being alone, working with my hands, and I like to share the positive. By finding where I belong, and doing what I love, I send positive energy out. Positive energy in the form of being a role model to my kids by teaching them all life is precious, to not call people names and to try to hold off judgment. To walk in another person's shoes and try to understand their view.Also I look at the big picture, and be kind. Help out when I can. And laugh much. I teach them to work with, and not against nature. When we actively work against anything we are working against ourselves. I hope somehow the pebble I throw into the water ripples out and touches those who may need or want it. I hope I keep getting touched by other ripples.

So, I apologize to the Republicans. OK? Geez.


It's late. I am tired, and hopefully when I read this tomorrow it will make sense, Organic, everything goes, and no proof reading, wild, wonderful ~crow