real or fake?

I was accused of being a fake, from somebody close to me. (Not a reader) I had to stop and ponder that for awhile. Because when somebody you love says something to you, perhaps they are saying it with the best intentions and want to help.

I am fake?

The first thing that pops in my head is that it can't mean appearance wise. I wear no make-up, hair up in a pony tail and the last time I bought something new to wear, was for a funeral. I don't get my nails done, feet done, anything done. I decided to stop using dye for my hair. My grays are soft and pretty and I hate the idea of using extra chemicals and being consumed with consuming, in general. Nothing fake there.

My butt, is real... no implants... I know right?

Next, I look at my surroundings. I live in a humble, farmhouse that is screaming to be remodeled, and I am, doing that a little at a time. But, I have a roof over my head, and I am thankful. I am on the eclectic side, but definitely plain-ish. I have some old treasures I have accumulated, but all has been thrift store buys, except for the couch. Bought a new couch a year ago.

My lifestyle: I call myself a farmer now. I know I am not a giant farmer, or even a great one, but I do grow my own food, raise animals, and do my best to find new ways to make my small farm work. I don't hire anybody, and I do most of it by myself. I am not a diva, not spoiled, not rich, not popular, not famous, not glamorous. I am just a Mom Monk, living her life out.

What could she mean? Fake. How was she trying to help me? How can I allow her to help me?

Here are some things I believe to be true. I am compassionate, non judgmental, and giving, but I also have boundaries. Boundaries, are good, and very helpful to some people who abuse your good will. I am both honest and forthcoming. If I have any concerns, you will be the first person I discuss it with. I am also extremely self aware and I am great at self regulating as I near 50. I often look for the higher meaning, the bird's eye view, the cup half full approach. I do "fake it 'till I make it". That is only when I can, and that has more to do about visualization, and the power of positive thinking, (aka magic), than it does being an imposter. This doesn't mean that I do not have my own set of fears, sorrows and regrets. I am perfectly imperfect. I accept this, and there is no more struggle when you can accept the things you cannot change. When I say something, I mean it. I not about fluff, I am about substance. I make no claims to be right. I can only speak of my truth. I have seen the worst, lived through it, dealt with it, and I will always have that little bit of darkness that I carry. I can't ignore it, and I can't erase it, but I can find peace beyond working through it. And right now, my life is not perfect, or is it?  I am doing the best I can with what I have and that is good enough, in fact it is great.

But to her, I am fake. I think fake is being used as a noun as it applies to me:

noun

9.

anything made to appear otherwise than it actually is; counterfeit: This diamond necklace is a fake.

10.

a person who fakes; faker: The doctor with the reputed cure for cancer proved to be a fake.

11.

a spurious report or story.

12.

Sports . a simulated play or move intended to deceive an opponent.

I keep going back to this comment she made. She has said it several times to me. "You are a fake." In the context of a conversation when she was sounding almost angry at me for simply being happy. Why on earth would someone who loves you, becomes angry for your ordinary happiness?

I can only refer myself to the FOUR AGREEMENTS.

What she said to me was more about her, than me. I will never be able to understand all the nuts and bolts of that. I can keep banging my head against a wall, or I can keep going back to what I hold to be true.

This blog is not about you. It is about me. What I say comes from my own experiences. It is my take. I take full responsibility for all words coming out of my mouth. 10 people can see an accident, but when asked, there will be ten different stories. Some might be close, but it was seen by 10 different sets of eyes. Some will say the car came from that direction, the other might say. no, it came from this direction. Both people seeing the same incident, but standing on different sides of the road.

I know some people that are having a really, really tough time, for very real reasons. My heart aches for them. I might not know it exactly how it is, but from my own experiences, I can relate. I also know that for every heart break out there, there is always something worse. It doesn't take it away, but it gives the person who experiences the very darkest hours, to be able to relate to others. There will be someone who may need your precious point of view one day. At least know,while you are in the dark, that there is such thing as light. To believe in the light, know it will come back, some way, some day. Your tragedy is a part of you and now, you are wiser. You are that much more aware and you can be a more seasoned individual because of it and somebody who is then capable to reach out to another. You can't save those who do not want to be saved, but you can be an inspiration, by living life by your own truth. Be true to yourself.

It is ok I am a fake to one person in this world? Maybe even two or three people, who knows? What on earth can I do about it? Nothing.

I wrote this to get it off my chest. To expose that bit of darkness to light. Why? because I saw somebody else brave enough to do it. She has been laying it all out there. I know she feels like the readers are being burdened by her troubles, but it is the reverse. Her realness, inspires others to reflect, and touch that place where the real lives and breathes. It is a reminder that it is ok to be vulnerable, and sad. To be confused, or misunderstood. It's ok. Her story, mirrors mine, more than she even knows.

We are more the same than we are different. <---That is about you. If you allow it to be.

Thanks for listening to me think out loud.  I wrote myself right through to a solution. I am grateful for the lesson that will keep coming to me in different forms until I learn it for good.
~crow

mabon week

no trespassing

izzy in fall... or just fizzy

farmhouse

guardian ad litem

festive

second harvest

do I have a dog on my head?

Earl and his dark twin, the pig tail remover

black copper maran cockerel

balance

silver indian runner duck

cinco

pear harvest - shaking the tree

smurf, hula, happy - white indian runner ducks

the boys, crick and squint

moon

fall duck flock

alejandro and lady gaga

equinox walk

acceptance

best buddies

let's have a pool party!

dude, I thought that was what we were doing

baby sly - half jumbo pekin, half runner-- with his indian runner girlfriend

scaredy ducks

you have to get through me to get to her

ye-ah, never mind

adopted chicken grows tufts!

the end

 ~crow

dance your heart open

evening activities

 Play.

tonka and izzy

Work.

lions tigers and bears make me shake

So last night the coyotes were close. My new Great Pyrenees, Izzy stayed out barking at the darkness until about 3 am or so. I stayed up as well. Just in case she needed some back-up. I have a nice loaded shotgun ready.

I guess they moved on. We live just up the mountain from the river, and in the hollow there is a path. You can follow it any time of year. It is made and maintained by wild life. It is a natural wildlife corridor. It truly makes me very happy to see that there is all sorts of wildlife, alive and thriving here. It takes the sting out of my guilt for leaving an imprint here in these beautiful mountains.

I love the wildlife, but I do not want to feed them my livestock. My chickens and ducks, geese, goats, pigs, rabbits, et al, are part of my livelihood and I have a duty to protect them.

That is why I have Earl the donkey and Izzy the Great Pyrenees on the night shift. I seem to be on the night shift as well. As I stood out facing the woods at 3 am looking for movement. Izzy, at my side barking deep. I love her bark. It is not a woof sound, more like a WOOF sound. It makes me feel protected. I make her feel protected. She becomes even more brave when I am standing with her, looking into the darkness.

I posted on my neighbor's (our properties connect) facebook page, just to either A. let her know coyotes were around last night, and B. let her know that if she woke from a deep barking sound that traveled up the mountain, it was only our Izzy doing her job.

So my neighbor in turn, posted the following two picture for me:

I think he is a bobcat. Pretty muscular and healthy.

Black Bear

Aren't the just gorgeous? I know that there are all sorts of animals here. They are just so good at staying away from people. For the most part. I worry more about coyotes, raccoons and hawks, then I would a bobcat or bear. Bobcats need miles and miles to hunt. They are usually near bodies of water, because that is where the food is. Rabbits. They love rabbits. It is possible we had a bear come get our berries this Summer. I went out to pick, and it looked like somebody had drove a four wheeler through the patch. It was either a bear, or deer. In any case, I learned not to worry about losing crops to wildlife.It happens.

I watched a program on Public TV a while ago, about the American Shakers. I was fascinated by their lifestyle and way of living. Yes, it did at first get my attention because Women, played a large part in that religious movement. Also, I loved the community spirit, the art of building items with superior craftsmanship (relating work ethic to their faith) and of course the movements they made in worship and prayer. Who wants to sit still in church? I have jumpy legs. I would want to shake and shimmy. All fascinating. But what I really learned from the program, was this: The Shakers would have outsiders come and join the community, timed right about now in the year, at the second harvest. These people, would come and live out the harsh Winters, protected by the Shaker community. In the Spring, they would leave. The Shakers knew what they were up too. But I think they referred to them as Winter Worshipers, or something kind, but still truthful. Lastly what struck me and stuck to me was this lesson: Thieves from outside of their community would come and steal from their gardens. The Shakers, knowing this, just simply planted more crops the next year, to rectify the situation. Simply huh? Peaceful, giving, simple, hard working people, who were a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll.
PBS - The Shakers

So, when wildlife comes and eats my carrot crop, or my peas. I think of the shakers, and am glad that they have been consumed, but keep in mind, next year, I will have to plant more.

If you watch that documentary, then look at how the Industrial Revolution negatively impacted not only the Shakers, but farming and craftsmanship in general, You will understand this wonderful little video to the played to the voice of the Great Willie Nelson. Please watch.

If you live in America. I would urge you to invest in America's oldest Seed House, simply by ordering one of their beautiful 2012 Seed Catalogs. Only $5.00. Just a Starbuck's coffee to keep our seeds free from Giant GMO Companies and in the hands of small farmers, like me.

Here is an article talking about it: Could $5.00 Save America's Oldest Seed House? I have a widget posted to on the right hand side of my blog. You can grab the code and pass the word, by blog or facebook or any outlet. This is the time when the meek actually do inherit the earth. Don't give up on Locally grown food. Farmer's Markets, and Local Farmers are very close and would love your business. Speaking of which...
Have a look at this:

What number is your foodometer reading at?

Love and Light,
~crow

flying the coop

I have been waiting to blog about my company that traveled from SC to here in WV.

Why?

I had to wait for her to fly. Fly home to freedom. Fly away from a life that was not in tune with her spirit. I was probably one of her biggest cheerleaders because I knew how it felt... to feel trapped in a life situation that was not enhancing the growth as a human, or the well being of body, mind and spirit. For me it was an abusive and toxic relationship that I exited.

I advised her to fly, but she had already begun. The moment she found out she had wings. And fly she did.

Many women get stuck in relationships where they are stuck. I am not talking about the seven  year blues in a relationship, and finding the time to be reconnected with you husband. I am talking about women, for whatever reason, get into a relationship where they have lost their authentic selves in a dominating male partner. Women who stay, because the fear keeps them there. I am including all sorts of fear.The fear of being alone, to the fear of retribution, and from the fear of the unknown, to the fear of hurting their children. They remain silent and hurt. It is not good for them, their children or their partners. It is not for the good of society as a whole.

I came from a generation where I was taught to be polite, to do what I was told, and to not confront or protest. A time where when if a woman showed anger, or complained, or said what was on there mind, they were labeled crazy, ungrateful or bitchy. It still happens. But perhaps the next generation of our empowered daughters will learn from their Mother's boldness. To watch their elders face the fear and go ahead and fly anyway.

Men get stuck too, and lose themselves in a relationship, histories, or even a job. But I can only write from my own perspective and experiences. I am not forgetting you guys. We all carry our own baggage, we all get stuck, and we all feel fear.

Back to my visitor. She drove all the way up here to place her precious ducks and geese with me. Lovely Indian Runner ducks including a breeding quad of trout color and a trio silver girls to go with my silver drakes, a beautiful white breeding trio, along with a couple of special needs ducks that are penciled colored. Along with the four geese, a very nice Brinsea incubator and all the tools to go with it, feed, feeding trays and some nice warm farm jackets. She packed her truck, called a friend and drove all the way here, to simply give me her flock.

She had already sent me duck eggs to hatch. Gifts sent to somebody she had never met. She had already showed me how far a random act of kindness can ripple out to the world, and she had already taught me to receive. To get good-er at getting good. Tough thing for most of us. To receive, and then say simply thank you in return. It takes as much grace to accept a gift as it does to give one. I had to learn that again. Then when she offered to drive here, and hand me a large part of her life, I could only feel humble. It was hard, because I knew what she was giving up. I knew that she must have been in a bad place to make such a drastic change.

I told her when she listens to her higher-self, that voice is the one who will lead her towards her highest and best good. I told her because I believe it. I reminded her as she gave away her horses, her mule, a cat and her beloved pet dog. I reassured her that everything that happens in life leads us along our own paths in life. Even the really tough times. I told her because I truly believed that she was listening to that higher voice, and I know it will all make sense some day.

That is how it happens. Have you ever heard a cancer survivor be thankful for that life altering event? They  go on and treat life as a sacred treasure. They have gone and found their wings. Yes, that is what I am talking about. All of our experiences bring us to where we are now. It is not an easy road sometimes, but the tougher the journey, the more value in the lesson. People get well seasoned with life lessons. You can see it in their eyes, if you ever want to stop and look. People find happiness, not because they are simply blessed with it. They have actively gone and searched for it. The blessing is in the act of seeking.


My friend, reminded me of all of that. She made a bold move. Her journey was not easy. That is what makes me so sure that she is going to find her own happiness. Because when you take a leap of faith, land on your two feet you realize that you can indeed fly. You are free.


Nicky, I am glad you are home in your Motherland. You are further away in miles, but closer in heart and spirit. I think of you every day. I must thank you... this time, for this lesson in bravery.

~crow

hot mess

I was sitting here thinking it had been awhile since I went bloggering. So here is what you get. The real life me, who is, probably ADHD, an Indigo Child, Dreamer, Artist and a true Air sign on the horoscope wheel. This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius. Right now, it is dawning on me.

The only things I can pay attention to are the things that I like. Everything else gets dismissed. Not purposefully, of course. I am talking day to day life. I have a wonderful ability to put things aside, and go do what I see as important or worthy to me. Like the outside work, I love it. The inside work is sort of... boring. But I don't intend to do this in a selfish way. I love to listen and help when asked. Just in my solo world. (The one that doesn't see a mess)  Life is just interesting stories (don't make me edit though), observations and creations. Cleaning is not creative. Organizing, not interesting. And I observe, what I want to observe. I paint my life the colors and shapes that I wish to see.

For example. I thought I would blog tonight. It's the beginning of the next day. Why not? I could be more regimented and say, "No too late go to bed" But I don't say those things to myself. I just indulge on my whims.

So here: I broke out the camera and took these pictures of  Tonka and Bella.

Bella

Poor unloved dogs. 

Tonka

My house might have the smell of dog. I can't tell. I use febreeze in the event that my pooches might leave their pretty doggy scents on the furniture. You know they do.

Next I go hunting for something else to photograph. Oh pretty...

cuckoo  shadow

more pretty

 Horror movie music starts now:
 Oh no... not pretty. The real me.

I love my shabby chic desk, but it just looks shabby

 Let us examine the messy desk. I can't blame it on anybody, but myself.

nice smelling candles - this is ok

cool old Dodge truck keys - normal

two coffee cups - with stains

notes on the back of an envelope I am saving because I can't seem to "do" an address book

paperwork - not done - luckily no coffee stains, yet

this is so I can bring eggs to market - blank

this is for me to be registered with the MGR and register my goats - blank

a painting from my oldest that she gave to me when she moved out - un-framed or hung

saving money is good, but what is all the other crap?

see what I mean? something sparkly over here, no over there, no here

why on a desk?

real dust, not the fairy kind either

a half chewed dog bone... nice

laughing yet? it is on my desk because I took a picture of it tonight to ask my duck group if it was chicken or duck?

buddha still smiles

cards from my Mom

amber, because it is good stuff - the bottle caps, not so good

this is how I hang my amber, I only see amber, not boxes and water bottles

a loop to magnify my wares

stuff I am selling on eBay

I am a hot mess

You might notice that my hands are stained. I have been shucking sunflowers for my flocks and herds. It is going to have to wear off, because it wont wash off. Mess, mess, mess.